It's Me Who Needs to Learn
Friendships are so hard: I have written about this in a previous blog. But this is still a topic of which I cannot really wrap my mind around for more reasons than, "being a special needs parent." Being social, apparently, comes easy for some personalities and not so easy for others. And you know of whom i'm talking about: introverts. The "strong" (or so I have read), silent type who have a myriad of words floating around in their brains, but rarely get let out of the gate for self expression. And yes, I am a self-confessed introvert. If I could have chosen my personality I would not have chosen introvert! But, que sera, sera, si? (It is what it is, yes?) My view comes from my introvertedness as well as being a SN parent.
Anyway, if I could have titled her article it would be, "The Art of Friendships While Parenting a Special Needs child." And the article would be geared towards me as the parent, not others who just can't relate no matter what. If anything I need to be the one who is understanding and patient and guided when relating to others--something for which I have yet to win any ribbons! This journey is still too new for me, and flowing in the social scene not my strong point.
In a recent setting I was surrounded by a group of women from all walks of life. But I was the only one with a special needs or medically complex child. I listened to others as they talked about the terrible teens or unruly toddlers or babies that won't sleep through the night. Tears flowed and others nodded in empathy. Emotional pain, disappointment, isolation, alienation, sleep deprivation, loss--these are the human experience. I share some of those experiences too. Yet it's hard for me to sift through the common issues we face as people, especially as moms, and match them with the issues we face as parents of SN kids, in order for others to relate to me. That is my dilemma. Most of us are sleep deprived for well beyond the infant years as we manage health and emotional needs of our kids twenty four hours a day. It's hard for me to empathize with those experiencing a few months of sleep deprivation when I am facing years! Oh, I can't even think about it! Yet it is me who needs to be the one who steps beyond my atypical experience and meets others in their more typical experience. I am trying!
Fiona's number one, "Ask specific questions." Yea, true. The typical, "how's he doing this week?" just falls flat and I will always say, "fine" because I don't really know how to answer that question. Each day is different, just like any one else's life.
Number two, "Don't feel guilty about sharing your child's milestone's with us." Seriously, I'm not jealous! I love babies! I love kids! I love to hear about those things too! But in reverse, I understand others really can't get excited hearing about my son's sudden increase in vocabulary, at four. Because such things do solicit the proverbial deer in the head lights scenario! So I save those stories for family.
Number four, "Talk about other things too." This is the clincher not for others, but for me. Life outside the home--save Sunday morning church and the grocery store--doesn't exist. I'm the one who needs to learn to talk about other things besides how many times my son has puked that day, or what morsel of food he managed to swallow! I need to come up for air sometimes and breathe a bit of common-to-man stuff while living a common and yet not so common life!
Life is a wonderful, yet terribly twisted journey and being a SN parent has just added another dimension of challenges that I get to walk through, learn from and maybe, just maybe overcome!
Photo From Affirm your Life
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